“If you are born cowards, you can be quite content, you can do nothing about it and you will be cowards all your life whatever you do; and if you are born heroes you can again be quite content; you will be heroes all your life, eating and drinking heroically. Whereas the existentialist says that the coward makes himself cowardly, the hero makes himself heroic; and that there is always the possibility for the coward to give up cowardice and for the hero to stop being a hero.”
Jean-Paul Sartre, “Existentialism and Humanism,” 1957
There is a point in a person’s life where they finally really believe, once and for all, that they are going to die. This is a different feeling than just understanding the idea intellectually. The flaying for meaning that this acceptance brings might be called existential angst. A time where a person is forced to confront the idea that they are responsible for their life and all that happens to them. There is no one to “save” us or tell what is right or wrong. We have to find our own path and meaning in the seemingly random things that occurred around us each day.
The idea that I will die soon follows me now, spurred no doubt by first by my brother’s grave illness and then by my own. The last five years has been filled with struggle and sorrow for me. Having these experiences changes you, turning the color of the leaves from green to russet.
As I painfully rehabilitated myself I did not really let doubt creep into my thinking: viewing it as a kind of dreadful talisman. Once I began improving it fought its way to the surface and corrupted my dreams. I seem to see the world now in infra red, noticing things that were heretofore unseen. I feel mortal and transient, like a movie poster fading in the sun. I wonder how this new conception of myself and the world will change how I deal with others?
As I try and fall asleep each day, I have been contemplating this question. I think the answer should be that I will listen more and speak less. That I will try and understand the other person a little better and worry some about how my transactions affect them as well as they might affect me. I hope I will make authentic choices. I know that my decision of several years ago to do what I wanted rather than what others thought I should be doing, was right. In the end we all must live with consequences of our choices so they might as well truly be our choices, rather than those which others might make for us.
So each morning I will be confronted with the choice: hero or coward. I wonder which I will choose?
10 comments:
The mind is so powerful and I totally see where it could make a difference on life. I saw my father let go and it broke my heart.
that's so very deep. but you are too young to die.
perhaps a better morning internal confrontation would be: To live life expecting tomorrow to come or to live life expecting tomorrow might never come.
This too, is a choice :)
Well put, and understandably so. I too, struggle with this expedition, but my journey is indeed a paradox. I will land on either side of this precipice. It doesn't make what you say any less real.
If I could give you a hug I would. I wish you the best my friend. I am always thinking of you.
All of us are born and all of us will die.It is the one thing all forms of life have in common.
Since the 'end' will surely come to both the greatest and the least of us - it seems to make the most sense not to dwell or even think about the inevitable or to allow that any impact in how we will deal with the day and each person in it - including ourselves.
There really are no hero's and no cowards - those are illusions put forth by those who do not understand... for a 'coward' can many times be more of a 'hero' than any 'hero' has ever been....
Greetings Laoch
We are altered by our experiences; the way we view life changes as we confront trauma, loss, death. I believe we learn to take less for granted and realize that each moment contains choices, including how we think and feel. I find being human is a sobering task, still somehow granting us humor and optimism. Authenticity is one of the choices. Just knowing that has been helpful.
bv, I guess it is true that we do not really understand the brain attitudinal connection with over health: interesting point.
aafrica, I will at least make a good looking corpse.
hk, noted.
shst, I know that you understand what I am saying. Good wishes to you and your family.
ed, nicely said. Hello to you as well.
mk, I think we are sometimes paralyzed by the abundant choices most of us have.
I'm pretty sure I know which path you choose. Becoming a parent brought the awareness of mortality into keen focus for me. Even though I was very near death once in my early twenties I still had that stupid idea of invincibility that comes with youth. Ten years can change a lot of things!
What a powerful post. And a question we need to all ask ourselves every day.
I think you have already made that choice by writing this blog entry. Thank you for sharing such a thought-invoking post.
Post a Comment