Resolutions for the Iniquitous

In years past I have had wholesome and well meaning resolutions, but these seem to wear better:

1. I will eat the rich.
2. I will carry out necessary pogroms
3. I will only drink to excess.
4. I will burn the midnight oil and endeavor to never see the sun.
5. I will converse only with dangerous women
6. I will seek out dissolute companions.
7. I will covet my neighbor’s blood.
8. I will snack on my enemies.
9. I will encourage my felines to do likewise.
10. I will renounce all forms of exercise.
11. I will rejoice in the butter and salt food groups.
12. I will embrace the words, no mercy.
13. I will seek out dens of iniquity.
14. I will do what needs to be done.

La Petite Mort

Earlier this evening I went to turn on my television to watch a program on the Science Channel about string theory when I discovered that my cable box had died.  After variously plugging it in and out and trying to reset it I had to accept that it was dead.  Which led directly of course to the dreaded phone call to Comcast (I HATE YOU COMCAST).  After a half hour of patiently explaining to a woman in India that I did in fact understand how to plug things into outlets and to use remote control devices to turn things on an off, she reluctantly admitted that my cable service was not very valuable if I were unable to actually view the programming and she deemed me eligible to receive a sacred new cable box.  As an excellent bonus this could be conveniently be delivered to me in February but a charge could be involved in some unidentifiable situations.  When I pointed out that February seemed like a long time away, she opined that many of her customers were pleased that the company could provide such magnificent service.

Instead, it was finally agreed that I would make the death march through the piled up snow to one of Comcast’s local offices wherein I could receive the magic new box.  Fortunately she helpfully suggested that I might want to use a bag to transport my old device (no doubt I would not have thought of this on my own) so it is all smooth sailing ahead, at least until I get there wherein no doubt there will be many new and exciting challenges.

Thought for the Day

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

Aristotle

Our New Alien Overlords

A little while ago I stopped in a bleak diner for a late dinner.  It was almost empty save for a crazy middle aged woman who sat in a booth next to me, surrounded by three or four overflowing large red trash bags.  She was talking to herself about the ongoing alien invasion and eating some kind of frightening toast.

Because I am an idiot, I did not bring my I-pod with me, so her monologue about the alien invasion reverberated off my ear drums as I tried mightily to consume the worst omelet in the history of mankind.  Eventually, despite my heroic efforts to ignore her, I realized that she had begun to address me directly.  When she had ascertained that she had in fact gotten my attention she said, “The Aliens will be taking over our government totally soon!”

I replied, stating the first thing that flowed into my mind, ‘It is really possible for them to do a worse job?”

100%

After a grueling time at the gym I made my way through the ice and snow to a truly regrettable supermarket not far from my abode.  As I was browsing through the threadbare aisles, desperately trying to avoid the all important beer and ale aisle,  I noticed a special counter that the store had set up which proudly advertised 100% organic chicken.  This made me immediately wonder what chicken that is less than organic might contain: perhaps 30% plastic or 19% granite?  I suppose it is best to not ask to many questions after all?

Subway Chatter

Person Sitting Next to Me on the Subway:  Ah Christmas, what would it be without the stress and the strife?

Me:  Better?

The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth

“May all good fellows that here agree
Drink Audit Ale in heaven with me,
And may all my enemies go to hell!
Noel! Noel! Noel! Noel!”

Hilaire Belloc

So Christmas Eve is upon us, and proving once again that I am amongst the most talented procrastinators in all the world, I have done no shopping.  This means of course the classic Christmas Eve death march shopping run.  An intense sprint where relentlessness is rewarded and failure is unacceptable.  So if you see me coming please know that the elbows will be flying.  Unhand that item!   Joyeux Noël.

The Best Gift

I set out yesterday to write about the commercialization of  Christmas and what the meaning of a great gift really is, but I could not really come up with something more apt than a piece I wrote before my stroke, so I reposting it now.  My father has been gone for a long time but I think this epitomizes his spirit in a small way.

In 1972, I was eight years old and very acquisitive.  My father was rapidly becoming affluent and presents which had been unthinkable and out of reach, were now possible.  There were many toys that I wanted and I apparently composed endless lists and obsessed about what I might be getting during that Christmas season.  On Christmas Eve my father took me with him on a last minute shopping expedition.  I was excited.  Might I be getting some good toys?

Instead he took me into New York City to a homeless shelter in the neighborhood where he grew up.  He had apparently been going there every year bringing food and helping to serve dinner on Christmas Eve.  Everyone knew him there.  He had gifts for the staff and food and money for the people in the shelter.  I had no idea what was going on, but I knew that this was not what I had in mind.

I was assigned to help wash dishes.  We stayed for only a few hours but those hours have stayed with me, simmering in my subconscious.  I was shocked to see children my age who had nothing, most of them not even functioning parents.  Many of the people there were mentally ill and made no sense to me.  I remember wanting desperately to leave.  Each time I went to complain to my father he would say:

"You are right, it is awful here.  That's why they need your help."

I have no idea what toys I received for Christmas that year, but I do know that I received a great gift.  I have not always honored this gift as well as I might, but I would like to say, more than thirty-five years late, thanks Dad.

Thought for the Day

"Now that my ladder's gone
I must lie down where all ladders start,
In the foul rag-and-bone shop of the heart."

W. B. Yeats

Notable Christmas Programs

Finding myself in the Christmas spirit today I am reposting a list of my favorite Christmas programs.  I’ve tinkered with it some each year since I started blogging (2004).  What are your favorite Christmas programs?

1. It's a Wonderful Life (1946) - James Stewart, Donna Reed.   I have been watching this film every year around Christmas time for the last 40 years.  A failure at the box office when it was released in 1946, it is now director Frank Capra's legacy film.  It tells the story of a small town banker with big dreams of travelling to far away ports of call but instead finds himself trapped in "Bedford Falls," while his dreams fade and his friends go out and make their mark on the world.  Finally faced with the collapse of the family bank from which he tries to run, he is given a chance to see what others lives would be like if he had never been born.  While this film is dated and perhaps overly sentimental (unashamedly so), it remains the best of the Christmas movies because it focuses on the power of the individual to make positive change through ordinary acts.  Relationships are more important than things in Frank Capra's world and no movie has ever better illustrated how connected people's lives are.  NBC now shows this film only sparingly, so if you haven't seen this film there is no better time than present. 
2. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) - Charles Schultz’s Peanuts comic strip is a vehicle through which he tries to send the message that Christmas is not about commercialism but about the fellowship between all people.  It has great music from the late notable jazz pianist Vince Guaraldi, and it is very heartwarming.  It is always wonderful to watch the Peanuts Gang fix Charlie Brown's Christmas tree.
3. Miracle on 34th Street (1947) - A very young Natalie Wood stars in this classic film as the Macy's Santa Claus claims he is the "real" Santa and is put on trial at a  New York City Competency hearing.  Quaint and clever it provides an interesting view of what New York looked like just after World War II.
4. The Bishop's Wife (1947) - Cary Grant, Loretta Young, David Niven star in this about an Angel sent to help save a pastor's marriage but awkwardly falls in love with the Pastor's wife.
5. A Christmas Carol (1951) - Alastair Sim is the defining Scrooge.  Of all of the versions made, this is the best.  Dark, grim and true to Dickens original story.
6. Love Actually (2003) - Set in boom time London during the five weeks leading up to Christmas, this film deftly handles inter-related couples failing in and out of love during the holidays.  Clever, poignant, disorganized and witty this is probably not a good film, but I liked it anyway..
7. A Christmas Story (1983) - A nice and quiet film which is set in a small Indian town in the 1940's as seen through the eyes of Ralph, a young boy who is trying to convince his parents that a BB gun would be a fine and worthy Christmas present.
8. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964) – This charming musical cartoon tells of a reindeer shunned by the other reindeer who comes to good in the end because of a shiny nose and a big heart.
9. Honorable Mention:
   1. Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol (Great music)
   2. Frosty the Snowman
   3. Die Hard
   4. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
   5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
   6. Bad Santa

Solidarity

In reading the paper today it appears that the Bears game on Monday night, which is occurring at the outdoor stadium at the University of Minnesota, is going to take place during a snowstorm which will bring 4 to 8 more inches of snow to add to their already heavy snow totals.  They are also facing temperatures around 20 degrees (f) with wind chill temperatures being around zero.  Now of course, I am too old, lazy and fragile to attend such an event, but to show my solidarity I am going to wear my snow hat inside.  I am sure this will comfort the players significantly.

Christmas Week at What Should be Marshall Field's

Useful Word

fealty, noun – loyalty to a person or a group.

Is It Wrong?

Is it wrong to wish at the very least a power failure upon your neighbors?  One of my neighbors, a young woman who I do not know, seems to have had a triumph of some kind, so she has been playing the 1970s song, "I Am Woman," over and over again at a very loud volume.  It appears that I am not “strong” nor “invincible” so could someone just kill me now?

What Was I Thinking

Christine Lavin wrote an amusing song by this title about ten years ago or so.  In this context it makes me think of Florida, where I lived for 15 years or so.  I am wagering on and watching the horse races from Calder racetrack in Miami today and I notice that it is warm and sunny there.  People are meandering around the paddock in short sleeves.  In Chicago we are mired in a dreary and cold freezing rain cycle.  If I was still in Florida I would most likely be out on one of the cruise boats, sitting on the warm deck while reading and watching the sunset.  How could I have moved away.  What could I have been thinking?

Thought for the Day

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you're off it."

Jackie Gleason

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being

In order to maintain my various bar licenses I have to do a certain amount of continuing legal education.  So today I am watching a riveting seminar on the Ethical and Privilege Issues for Pharmaceutical Whistleblowers Counsel.  Hopefully the Big Pharmaceutical Corporations will not send a private hit squad to defend their interests.  In any event I wish you all could be here to enjoy the true pleasure of this experience.

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies!

This great and wholesome recipe can be found here.

Thought for the Day

"Until you are willing to be confused about what you already know, what you know will never grow bigger, better, or more useful."

Milton Erickson

So Hungry

Grilled Chicken Bowl from Cafe Hoang

Apt Word

hibernal, adjective – of or relating to winter.

Pleasing

The bullying of children is a disturbing, timeless and often ignored problem.   Children who are bullied are often left unprotected and scarred by these experiences.  Usually when you find a story about it in the media it involves a tragedy but in this instance I am pleased to say it seems to have led to a more positive result.  You can read about Katie from nearby Evanston and her bullying experience here.

Brrr!

Bad Decision

Despite feeling like death warmed over, I decided yesterday to make my way out into the cold and get my hair cut at an undistinguished local hair cutting place.  I waited patiently for my name to be called, and then explained slowly and carefully that I wanted a small amount of hair cut and watched the woman proudly cut most of my hair off.

Noting my horrified expression the woman proclaimed,”Oh if you do not like it I am sure I can fix it.”

“Yes, “I replied, “with a wig perhaps.”

“I do not understand.”

“How can you fix it if you left no hair?”

She did not answer and I ventured into the cold with perhaps the worst coiffure in the history of mankind, no doubt scaring small children as I made my way home.  If you see me coming remember it is unkind to point at strangers.

Thought for the Day

"Never appeal to a man’s better nature.  He may not have one.  Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage."

Robert A. Heinlein

Bad Auspice

It’s always a bad auspice when you look at your throat in the mirror and see large angry white spots.  I guess I should be grateful at my foresight in buying some benzocaine lozenges 10 years ago and my refusal to ever throw anything away.

Excess Came Early This Year

Today in the mail I received, as my first Christmas present, a $ 1 gift certificate for McDonald’s.  I have no words.  Thank you.

Conspiracy Theory

Did you ever notice that just by changing the order of the letters that Santa becomes Satan?  Think about it.

Seasonal Word

wassail, noun and verb – noun:  1) A salutation or toast given in drinking someone's health or as an expression of good will at a festivity;  2) The drink used in such toasting, commonly ale or wine spiced with roasted apples and sugar;  3)  A festivity characterized by much drinking.  verb:  To drink to the health of; to toast.

First Snow

E Books and Amazon

Here is an enlightening article from the Boston Review about E Books and Amazon by Onnesha Roychoudhuri entitled, “Books After Amazon."

Clever Video

Here is a short clever YouTube video entitled “Political lobbying explained through the example of all-pay auctions,” from David Zetland.  Among other things this will teach you how to auction a dollar and receive more than a dollar in return.

Christkindl Market

If you find yourself in Chicago in this weekend you should head for the Christkindl Market in Lincoln Square for music, merriment and libations.

Funny

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it.  I said, Thyroid problem?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Eons Ago

Eons ago (1969) I lived for a time on a farm in Ireland in the County Mayo with my Great Aunt and Uncle.  I liked the farm, they had cows and chickens and goats and there were many ruined old castles nearby for me to play in and about.  I especially liked the fact that in the summer it did not really get dark until midnight or so and being a late night person even then I felt this was heavenly. 

There were many things present there that are not a part of people’s lives much any more.  Peat was burned in the fireplaces to keep things warm, they had no telephones or televisions, and did not get indoor plumbing for a couple of more years.  One thing they did not really have was tasty food, at least from my perspective.  They did make wonderful home made breads but this was contrasted by bacon so fatty and raw that I was sure I would starve to death.

My mother, who was aware of how finicky I was, had left me some canned Spaghetti O’s for the emergency meals that she had anticipated I would need while I was there.  After some badgering my Aunt reluctantly agreed to make me some.  She opened the can and exclaimed, “Oh my God these are worms!  The boy can’t be expected to eat worms, what on earth was your mother thinking.”  Of course all I could think of was how desperately I wanted to eat those worms!