For a while now I have wrestling with the idea of making my personal code a little simpler. For a long time I have had a complex set of rules and precepts which I used to guide me reasonably through the morass that is the world. But yesterday in pondering it a bit more it occurred to me that my current rules for interacting with others had been reduced to this idea: “If you are nice to me, I will be nice to you; if you are not nice to me, I will not be nice to you.” I wonder if I have reduced things a bit too far?
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20 comments:
Nope, good code. Same as mine.
tsb, it seems sound to me but it is often hard to be objective about your own thoughts.
I suppose you might need to leave a little room for mood changes and the like, which do not always reflect intention. In other words, a situation could arise in which I mean to be nice to you, but I'm in a bad mood for xyz reason and therefore I am grumpy and not so nice to you, despite my intentions otherwise. This could also work in the reverse, in that someone who means well by you fails to be nice because of a bad mood, or grief, or despair or hunger, or pain or madness, alone or in combination, or whatever else might get in the way of all those good intentions.
Perhaps you therefore might need to broaden your rules. They are as you suggest a bit too simplistic, but at a theoretical level they have some merit. It's usually a helpful thing to do unto others...
elisabeth, I agree with you generally, of course. Although once you begin to look at things through a Freudian subconscious lens I guess you have to wonder if the person really does intend to be nice or if in fact their subconscious is revealing their ambivalence or even antipathy through the person's actual behavior.
It is sometimes hard to tell when someone means to be nice, yet fails. I know that I frequently fail to convey my good intentions.
True, Laoch. Ambivalence is a great pointer, but given most of us are ambivalent to some extent about most things and most people most of the time, it's hard to escape some degree of ambivalence.
And yet, as you say, underneath the so-called 'best' of intentions there might lie the most sinister of intentions, hidden from view, even from the person who holds such mixed intentions.
That might be one reason we say, 'actions speak louder than words'.
And have you heard of a psychological defense which is called 'reaction formation?' It's the defense some people adopt when - for complex reasons - they cannot bear to know about their own negative feelings, such that the more hostile they might feel the more they go in the opposite direction to conceal their true feelings, again sometimes even from themselves. And so you have the expression, 'killing with kindness', among others.
Sorry to go on so long, but it's a great subject.
I was programmed from early childhood to be nice to everyone. It would be refreshing to be less nice sometimes, to certain people.
For what it's worth, I tend to like, 'Be kinder than necessary.'
I really like you blog, L.
Kindness is underrated. It's a little disheartening at times.
However, if somebody goes out of their way to be unkind to me, I’m not going to be all sunshine and smiles. I’m sorry you're so miserable, but don't take it out on me.
The truth is, some people don't treat you the way they want to be treated. They treat you however you let yourself be treated.
Sometimes, we need to be reminded that a little (or a lot) niceness goes a long way.
zeri, I think a lot of the misunderstandings in the world arise from misunderstanding of other people's motives and desires.
elisabeth, These are good points. I guess you can argue that you can never really peel the onion deep enough.
I often see reaction formation in situations like where repressed sexuality leads to overcompensation behavior, like when young men beat up gay people because they are afraid of their own sexual impulses. I agree that such compensatory behavior really skew things. I guess I have to think more on this but it show how complex seemingly simple topics really are.
pc, I guess I would urge to just to be more honest in expressing your feelings (good advice for all of us). I think such a course of action is freeing in a larger sense.
suze, I like that formulation. Thanks for the complement. I enjoy reading your blog as well.
jolene, there is a lot of wisdom in what you are saying. Thanks for chiming in.
Hey Laoch,
I almost spit out my coffee when reading this. You make me laugh.
I try to be nice most of the time. I blog as a bitch and it gets the mean streak out of my system. This way I don't have to be mean in the real world.
Do I have to change my mood because someone else is having a bad day, or is an ass to me. Hell to the NO!
I can't be a bitch to someone just because they are an ass to me. I know when someone isn't nice to me, they have to live in that skin. I don't. I try to find out why someone is grumpy and help them to "get their smile back."
I know, I know, that is the Pollyanna approach, but hell, why not?
Oh, whatever.
Human behavior is exhausting.
nsss, not being reactive at all is a reasonable strategy.
daj, very true.
beauty in simplicity.
Sometimes people are not nice because no one's ever been nice to them (or hasn't been in a really long time). If, even in the face of nice, people are still arseholes, then the ignore button general works.
I'm reminded of a quote from old hippie Ashleigh Brilliant: "Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most."
Good plan, but how to tell the two apart?
What really surprises me is that most people who are not nice to others, think they are doing them a favor. They haven't the vaguest notion that they are just being mean. People...you can't live with and you can't kill them.
It depends on whether or not said persons are members of your family, in particular, teens. If so, it might just be a waste of time no matter what you do.
I think if one is almost always nice, despite the behavior of other parties, one eventually gains so many options for personal connections that one can reduce the nasty ones to a minimum. Nice to me doesn't include being dishonest in the sense of actually saying something makes me happy which doesn't. But if one leads with a smile, one usually doesn't go far wrong. I have often found that someone I enjoyed had a bad rep for being a grouch - especially at jobs I have worked at. I raise the bar a bit if I am dating someone - well, unless lust takes over - but if it is someone I don't have to spend most of my life with, then what the hell...
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